shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize