That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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