I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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