you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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