Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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