he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
