my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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