I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
