just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
