Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
