I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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