Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
