I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
