why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
