My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
