His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
