I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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