I just saw a hot homeless man
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
