I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
