I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
