Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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