Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize