It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
