Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
