I am spending my child support on dildos
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
