3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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