I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sext me about skeletons
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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