Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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