cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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