I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Buhtt sex?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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