Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
