just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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