Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
