I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
