So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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