My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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