drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
