Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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