That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
