Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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