were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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