Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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