genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
