she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
