i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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