Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
