Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
