not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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