apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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