Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
