A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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