k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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