plz talk dirty to me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
