You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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