I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
