I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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