he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
