someone threw a dead crab at me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
