I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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