turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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