evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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