I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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