party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
