my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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